Monday, June 27, 2011

Buy My Book

Now that my book, That Girl's Not Right is being carried in a number of Barnes & Noble bookstores, I am charged with the task of seeing that it sells. Book signings, author readings, and interviews, they help, but they still need to fulfill a vital function. They must inform you, the prospective book buyer, of the necessity of purchasing my book. There are numerous reasons, some obvious, that it is in my best interest that you buy my book. There are other compelling arguments why you, the reader, need to buy my book. In the interest of promoting mutual understanding between author and reader, I will lay out the case for buying my book, That Girl’s Not Right.

Reasons I need you to buy my book

I need to keep my dogs in dog kibble. My dogs need you to buy my book.
I need to keep my parrots in parrot kibble. My pet parrots need you to buy my book.
I need to keep my parakeets in parakeet kibble. My parakeets need you to buy my book.
My family likes to eat, too. My family needs you to buy my book - they’re hungry.

Although the University that my daughter attends claims to be thrilled to have her as a student, they do insist that we pay them for the pleasure of her company, and not the other way around. My daughter’s continuing education requires that you buy my book.

I need gas to drive my car. I need my car to drive to book signings. I need book signings to sell books. Therefore, I need gas to sell books. My gas tank is begging you to buy my book.

My fart to gasoline conversion contraption (it’s in the book) is still in the planning stage, therefore I can not expect this invention to have me rolling in green energy profits any time soon. I need another source of income. Support the development of cheap green energy and buy my book.

Reasons Why You Need to Buy My Book

If you are a mother, have a mother, or are married to a mother, you will laugh to the point of incontinence when you read my book. Laughter is the best medicine - I’m a doctor, I should know. You need to buy my book.

If you are curious about the inner workings of the menopausal woman but are afraid that confronting the menopausal woman in your life might result in injury to both parties, you need to buy my book and hide in a designated safe spot, with a flashlight and an adult beverage, while you read and laugh yourself silly. Your bookseller can provide the plain paper bag you will need to hide it, should that become necessary.

If you are afraid that your teenagers are winning in the fight for familial dominance, the title alone will make your children think twice before messing with you. Maternal supremacy is but a page turn away - you need to buy my book.

If you are a teenager or young adult, you want to know what exactly goes on inside the maternal brain. Such knowledge could well result in her car keys being in your pocket. You need to buy my book.

If your pets have the better of you and you need validation that you are not the only pet owner standing in the back yard, in a cold, pouring rain, holding two leashes while begging your little yippy dogs to please just take a dump before the three of you catch pneumonia and die, you need a good dog trainer. Oh, and you need to buy my book.

Buying That Girl’s Not Right is a win-win situation for us both.

Buy my book. Please?

©2011 Kathleen M. Wooton

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